The Bravest Man I Ever Knew
by Anastasia Tremaine
Summary: Severus Snape had loved briefly and lost vastly and was ready for the end long before it came. A study of one of the most intricate characters in the Harry Potter series - In memory of Alan Rickman


He hadn't known love all his life.

He was the only child of a loveless marriage. His father, Tobias Snape Jr, was too honorable a man not to marry poor, pregnant Eileen Prince (the only of daughter of a wealthy pureblood couple) but just because he was honorable, didn't mean he was a good man. Tobias Snape was petty and cruel and blamed Severus for ruining his life (Tobias had always longed to honor his grandfather with a child, he refused to sully his grandfather's memory by naming his bastard of a son after him) And Tobias wasn't present at his birth or his christening or his graduation. Tobias was his father in name only, and he expected his son to be aware of that (Severus spent much of his childhood wishing his father was less honorable and has simply abandoned Eileen) and bruises are easily hidden under over large smocks and spiteful words aren't visible to the naked eye.

 _Severus Tobias Snape was born on the 9_ _th_ _of January 1960_

His mother, Eileen Prince had been born into a dying pureblood family. Her mother had succumbed to childbirth and her infant brother's heart stopped a few days later. Her father, Julius Prince, had blamed his daughter. If she had been a boy, his wife wouldn't have needed to have another child. If she had been a boy, Kathleen Prince would still be alive. Julius never loved to his daughter. He brought her the latest fashions and the most expensive tutors but not once did he hold her close, kiss her cheek or tell her he was proud of her. Instead her threw criticism after criticism at her, until she began drowning in a sea of 'never good enough'. She ran away when she was sixteen (alone and naive on the streets) and married a muggle (the scum of the earth) but even a muggle couldn't love her (bruises are the hight of fashion these days) and her son blamed her for bringing him into a loveless world and she could feel his cold stare following her around the room as she cooked and cleaned and dusted and sewed and begged and pleaded and cried.

(Severus didn't cry when cancer stole his mother from him and didn't mourn when his father drank himself to death)

And Severus spent the first nine years of his life in a cold loveless existence, awash with fading yellow bruises and angry scarlet cuts, and a father who loathed him and a mother who had never learnt how to love and Severus didn't think that love could possibly exist and had nearly given up until that fateful day in the playground where he met a girl who could patch up his weary heart and show him a world that wasn't filled with nothing but grey and black.

Lily filled his life with colour, she was a flame glowing bright and furious, lighting up the otherwise dark world. Her brilliant emerald eyes were filled with passion, hope and love. And she was the first person who had ever cared for Severus, who had taken an interest in his hopes and dreams and fears. Severus taught her of the world she would one day join and she taught Severus what happiness was (a more than fair trade, really) And Severus' father may have a heart of steel and his mother may not know how to care but Lily adored him and that was all he ever needed. She understood his love for reading and shared with him thick tomes filled with secrets and knowledge. And Severus promised Lily his undying gratitude and he really thought they'd last forever.

(Perhaps they would have, if houses didn't exist)

Lily was bright and passionate and happy and popular and could never be sorted anywhere else than loud, boisterous Gryffindor (with cocky James Potter and narcissistic Sirius Black) And Severus was a coward and hardly had a heart and would never be popular or handsome or even nice and so he was sent to power hungry Slytherin (with cruel Lucius Malfoy and spiteful Tiresias Avery) and the other rich boys and social rejects and not a mudblood in sight. And he thrived.

Severus had finally found a home (it wasn't free of torment but he had fewer bruises covering his skin and fewer scars covering his soul) and spent so many joyous hours hidden away in the potions lab or the library, developing spells and potions that would one day change the world and writing manuscripts and novels and pouring his soul out onto the parchment. And he dreamt of a future and he spent his evenings with Lily on the astronomy tower and together they would stare at the stars (which had lasted a thousand years just as their friendship surely would) and they could see a better world that they would be able to built and a life filled with love and joy and maybe even a child or two (but stars are just memories of light and Severus was never meant to have a happy ending)

And for their first year at Hogwarts, Lily and Severus were happy and content and _best friends_. But Severus was a prodigy and in his second year he caught the eyes of wealthy, charming, ambitious Malfoy. And Malfoy began to teach him more powerful spells (darker spells) to help protect him from the bullies. And the dark tendrils caught hold of him and slipped into his mind and his brain and corrupted his thoughts and soon he grew addicted. He tore up his manuscript and burnt the formulas the the healing potions he had once created and threw himself into the development of poisons and curses and torture methods and Malfoy cheered him on and encouraged him and told him he was proud (the first person ever to say that) and Severus felt something stir in his pride, he thought it was pride or maybe possibly even happiness (that feeling later turned to guilt as he watched his schoolmates die from hexes he'd developed and potions he'd discovered)

He made friend with Mulciber and Avery and Malfoy helped open doors for him (He started growing detached and empty and emotionless) and his nightly meetings with Lily became a weekly event and then a monthly event and then it had been two terms and they yet to say a word to one another. And she went away for summer and he stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas and as fourth year approached they began to drift further and further apart (he still loved her). And fifth year was beckoning with prefect badges and exams that would determine his future and a promise of an internship from Lucius Malfoy and Snape's mother got diagnoses with breast cancer and passed away two weeks before Severus returned home for the summer (he didn't know what to feel) And Severus broke down crying to Lily and she tried desperately to put him back together and they rekindled the love that had died during the year and whispered promises of a future to one another (Snape knew he couldn't live without Lily)

That summer was spent holed up in his room with his books and potions and nights spent sleeping on the streets (or at Lily's house when her parents were out and her ghastly sister was busy) and he watched his father drink himself into a stupor each night (guilt always does destroy a man) and Severus knew he'd be an orphan within a year. And he wrote short letters to Mulciber and Avery every fortnight (their replies were far longer, both loved to brag about their wealth and sent regular news of balls they'd attended and girls they'd shagged and Severus barely even glanced at them) and longer letters to Lucius Malfoy, who was well on his way to becoming the ultimate puppet master at the Ministry. And he allowed Lily to cry on his shoulder as one of her roommates was murdered by a Death Eaters (Snape could have told her who) and her Hufflepuff charms partner went missing (she was Avery's first kill) and she was beginning to fear for her life. And Snape held her close and didn't tell her that he was planning to apprentice under Calixto Selwyn (the Dark Lord's favourite potions master) or that all of his friends now bore the Dark Mark (and they were increasingly suspicious about his own unblemished arm) or that he was scared (she'd ask what he was scared about and he couldn't bring himself to destroy her)

And he entered his fifth year came with stress and threats and he lost the love of his life and almost lost his own life to a 'prank' and Lucius wrote more frequently, urging him to join the cause. And Severus had never cared for blood, he only sought knowledge and power. It was hard for him to scorn those with 'unpure' blood when his own father was a muggle and his best (only) friend was a muggleborn and he knew the caretaker Filch had been a pureblood and Albus Dumbledore was the most powerful wizard of the century and he was a halfblood (his mother was a mudblood) but he was a Slytherin and he had learnt self preservation from a young age and hid his views from his house, instead throwing the word mudblood around like it was going out of fashion. And OWLs approached with deadly speed and Lily panicked and Severus worried and worked himself half to death revising (he didn't have wealthy parents to fall back on). And the marauders began to taunt him more and more and he grew tired and sometimes he sat alone on the astronomy tower and thought of ending it all. And that year was one of the hardest years of his life and he'd thought he might actually of survived it when he made the second greatest mistake of his life (his greatest mistake came less than two years later)

He called Lily a mudblood and just like that she was gone. And she took the colour and the happiness and the late night trips to the astronomy tower with her (he didn't revisit the astronomy tower again until after Lily's death) and his life became dull and empty and he no longer had anyone to confide in. And Severus begged and pleaded for Lily's forgiveness but Lily could no longer love him and could no longer trust him and turned him away. And Severus wore a grim look of tiredness and defeat as he watched Lily walk away from the portrait hole. He threw himself into his studies after that, forgoing sleep in favor of potions. Potions he understood, potions would never leave him, potions would never hurt him. And Potter smiled smugly across the hall as Lily spent her meals debating with Lupin and laughing with Potter and gossiping with McKinnon and Severus was filled with rage. Potter had everything, loving parents, a beautiful home, wealth, popularity, he couldn't have Lily as well. And he fought more than ever with the 'marauders' and eventually cursed James so badly he ended up in the hospital wing for two days. So Black tried to kill him. And damn near succeeded. And Potter rescued him (sometimes Severus wished they'd have left him to die) and Snape had nightmares of feral amber eyes and wild claws and no one cared anymore (Lily had new friends, better friends, with money and parents and not a problem in sight). But Black and Potter left him alone for the rest of the year (and two terms of the next) and so Snape returned home, his lips bitten raw, his eyes lifeless and his face made of stone. He was sixteen (the same age his mother had been when he was born) and he was alone.

And his sixth year was filled with war and death and murder and torture and letters arriving in the great hall each morning bearing news of lost lives. And Lily's father died and Lily's sister married (only two years older than Snape's mother had been) and Lily was frightened and Lily was scared and Severus couldn't comfort her or hold her like he had so many summers ago. And Severus missed Lily with all his heart and couldn't bring himself to accept that she was gone for good, he never quite managed to accept that (even after her death) and the lessons were dull and the teachers pretentious and Avery fell in love with Rosalyn Bulstrode and Mulciber gave his heart to Cynara Greengrass and Snape still loved Lily. And Lucius still wrote and his offers were becoming more and more tempting and Regulus Black, who was a year behind Severus and barely past his sixteenth birthday, returned after Christmas with a Dark Mark proudly burnt on his skin. And Tobias Snape died and Severus was an orphan and he didn't know if he was happy or sad or both or neither. And he worked harder and harder and slept only out of exhaustion and developed new potions for Lucius and his Lord.

And seventh year began and Potter kissed Lily in front of the entire school and Severus smashed a glass and watched as blood ran down his arm (Severus imagined that would be what his tears would look like, if he hadn't forgotten how to cry) and Severus ran to the astronomy tower (where he had spent the happiest days of his life) and ripped up all his photos of Lily and Eileen and Tobias (he fixed them later) and cursed and screamed and wondered why Potter (who was an arrogant bully at best) had beaten him at everything. And NEWT's came and went and Sarah Fawley (soon to be Abbot if the rumors were to be believed) had a nervous breakdown and threw up all over her Charms examiner and Severus passed with eight Outstanding NEWTs (in Potions, Herbology, DADA, CoMC, Transfiguration, Charms, Ancient Runes and Arithmancy) and an apprenticeship with Andreas Yaxley and a letter from Lucius that he didn't open. He visited his parents graves and left his father a yellow carnation (the flower of disappointment and disdain) and left his mother a bouquet of aloe (grief) and Artemisia (absence) and Bramble (remorse) and he didn't return until after Lily's death when he left his mother a single daffodil (to represent forgiveness) and that was that. He heard Rosemary Evans announcing her youngest daughter's engagement and opened Lucius' letter. Lucius offered him a chance to meet the Dark Lord. And Severus wanted revenge and Severus was hurting and Severus wanted Lily back and Severus accepted.

 _Severus Tobias Snape was marked on July 31_ _tt_ _1978_

His death eater years were the worst years of his life. He spent a summer torturing, killing, murdering innocent people. He wanted to die, wanted to drown himself in his grief, but he always had been a coward. Each night his victims plagued his thought, they were proof that no one could ever love him, he was a murder, killing for a cause he'd never even believed in. And two years passed and the list of victims grew longer and longer and the voices grew louder and louder, overwhelming him with their screams. He no longer slept for he feared what sleep would bring. The sleepless nights were spent alone, Severus crying out for Lily to save him for the second time, to save him before his heart froze entirely. But she never came. She was happy now, she had married a wealthy Gryffindor who had never known anything but love and adoration and she was expecting a child, who would never know hatred or scorn, only admiration. And Severus hated her unborn child (he never hated her) And Severus began to plan his death (a potions accident? A raid gone wrong? A backfired charm?) and Lily's son was turning one and was the spitting image of Potter and Lily was so happy, so radiant, so alive (she always had been Snape's opposite) And every life has to end at some point and Snape was ready (he would have done it, if he hadn't been taught from a young age to always listen at doors)

And Snape had committed so many atrocities in his life and he was going to be gone in a few months and he didn't realise the Dark Lord would interpret the prophecy like that and he didn't think the Dark Lord would kill an innocent child (even though he'd done it before) and when Snape found out that Lily's boy was being targeted he threw up, all over Lucius Malfoy's best vermilion robes (later he would claim the enemy had curses him after noticing him listening) And he pleaded with his Lord to save Lily (he told his Lord that the mudblood could be his prize, proof that he'd beaten Potter) and the Dark Lord cackled and assured Severus that'd he try to save the mudblood, as a reward for bringing the information to him. But Severus had no reason to trust a man who murdered for fun and he could risk Lily's survival. And he loved Lily too much to let her die and he left the meeting and ran to Dumbledore (who he'd always admired, who he'd always hated), begging him to help save the life of his best (only) friend and keep her safe and happy and (most importantly) alive. And Dumbledore promised (but promises are made to be broken) and Dumbledore tried (but trying is never really enough) and Dumbledore failed (even though he was meant to be infallible) and sweet, innocent Lily still died and was laid to rest (she'd never rest until her son was safe and by her side) and her boy was shipped off to Lily's ghastly sister (and Severus wondered if the boy would be another James Potter or Tom Riddle or perhaps even a Severus Snape) And Severus was left broken and afraid, hunted like an animal for crimes of war, relying solely on Dumbledore to protect him from Azkaban (even though Dumbledore had failed him a mere day ago)

 _Lily Catherine Evans Potter died on 31_ _st_ _October 1981_

And once the trial was over and Severus was permitted to be free, he apparated to his childhood home and cried for Lily who he'd loved and Potter who he'd hated and Pettigrew who'd died for his friends and for all the victims of the war who had loved and been loved and for little baby Harry who would never know his parents and for Eileen Prince who'd never learnt to love and for Tobias Snape who had a bitter soul and a bitter life and was miserable until the end. Finally he cried for himself, for the man he had been and the man he had become and for all the pain he had suffered.

He visited Lily's grave on Christmas. He had no family and no friends (Dumbledore wanted Severus to spend the holidays with him, Severus refused) and he wanted to spend Christmas with the person who taught him how to love because love may destroy you from the inside out but in the end, love was the most brilliant gift someone could bestow upon you and love made everything worth it. He spent weeks gathering the perfect bouquet for Lily, flowers that could put into words what he never had the courage to say.

A wild rose (for pain and pleasure) a poppy (to remember those who died) a gentian (for gratitude) an amaranth (for immortal love) an arborvitae (for everlasting friendship) a marigold (for pain and grief) a dried white rose (for sorrow) a red daisy (for beauty unknown to its possessor) elderflower (for compassion) heliotrope (for devotion) rosemary (for remembrance) a red tulip (for undying love) a white lilac (for youthful innocence and memories) and finally a plumeria (for new beginnings)

And he spoke to her, telling her the secrets he never dared mention and made promises there was no way he could keep and vowed to her that he would protect her son because Severus loved Lily and Lily loved her son and, really, it was the least he could do. And Lily had died so that her son could live and Lily had died due to Severus' incompetence and Lily had died at the hands of a madman and if Severus was honest, Lily had been sentenced to death the moment her letter had arrived (there was no place in this world for a mudblood) and Severus swore to Lily that he would give his life to help make the world a better place for mudbloods and squibs and blood traitor's alike and he would carry on her memory and her spirit and he wrote to Dumbledore the next day and accepted the job as Potions Master (he thought he hated teaching and hated children)

Severus was never sure if he loved Lily in a romantic sense. He loved her, with all his heart and with all his mind and with all his soul, but he could never quite work out if he loved her that way. Lily had rescued him from a miserable childhood and a miserable family and a miserable life and had taught him how to laugh and how to smile and most importantly, how to love (he was the first person in his family to master the skill) and he could never repay her and he could never stop loving her and he could never stop putting her above all else. But love doesn't always been a sexual relationship and love doesn't always lead to marriage or a child.

The next ten years were difficult. It was a struggle to rise from bed each morning and it was painful to walk the corridors that he had walked with Lily when they were younger and free (he could never quite convince himself to enter the astronomy tower again) and it was hard to watch the students laugh joyously (in a safe world thanks to the sacrifice Lily had made) and play pranks (the very ones which had made his life a living hell when he was at school) and complain about how hard their lives were (they'd never been tortured to within an inch of their lives or cried over their only love's grave) and he was bitter and spiteful and grieving but he tried, he really tried. He brewed potions day and night (antidotes to potions made in class or potions needed for the hospital wing and later, on his rare good days when he thought happiness might still exist, brewing experimental potions) And he was still numb but he promised himself he wouldn't allow himself to feel again because if he didn't feel, he couldn't get hurt. Right? And the years passed aimlessly and Severus spent every birthday in the small graveyard in Godric's Hollow, making the same promise to protect Lily's son. He may have failed Lily but he wouldn't fail her son

He wasn't prepared for when the boy (Potter) arrived. Oh, he'd expected a carbon copy of James Potter but he wasn't prepared to see the same eyes that had once belonged to Lily, staring nervously at him from Potter junior's face. The eyes that were brimming with excitement and curiosity and life. And the boy had the nerve to sit where Lily once had sat in the potions lab and Snape couldn't contain himself. He asked the boy questions and got angry when he couldn't answer them, Lily would have been able to answer them. And he hated the boy for looking like James Potter and for being worshipped by everyone and for having friends that adored him and for being not being like Lily. But he'd made a promise to Lily and he'd loved her and so he rescued the boy when he ran off to do Merlin knows what and he threatened anyone who tried to harm the boy (not that Quirrell had listened in the slightest) And he brewed potions to cure the boy of injury and exhausted himself trying to rescue the boy during a quidditch match and when the boy lived to see the end of his first year, Severus counted it as a win. The boy's second year began with the imbecilic cretin and moronic sidekick _flying a muggle car to Hogwarts_ , just weeks after the boy had the never to flout the rules and use magic in a muggle area. The pure Potterness of the boy's actions made him want to wipe the shy smile right off the boy's face but he restrained himself, instead setting the boy a detention with Lockhart (that would wipe any form of smile right off his face) The year only went downhill from there, muggleborns were being petrified in the corridors left, right and center (Lily would have been targeted if she were alive) and Severus had to carry on as though everything was normal and his heart broke as he watched the Potter boy cry over his petrified mudblood friend (Snape had lay crying over Lily's frozen body before) and he couldn't quite bring himself to discipline the boy for being out of bounds. And then the boy went and revealed (in front of the whole school) that he was a parseltongue and Severus knew that trait didn't run in the Potter or Evans family and Severus knew that his Lord must have somehow given that trait to the boy and Severus knew that his job was about to get a lot harder. And the boy found the Chamber of Secrets and killed a basilisk with a sword and almost died in the process (he tried to die for his friend, just like his mother) and Severus began to fear for the boy's safety, with Dumbledore encouraging his foolhardy, life threatening stunts. And Severus couldn't fail Lily. Not again.

And Sirius Black (Snape's childhood nemesis) the person who was at fault for the death of Lily escaped and Severus hated him, he loathed the man with a passion. He'd always known Black was twisted and he'd waited ten years for the rest of the world to realise it too. And the foolish boy decided that the perfect time to sneak out of the castle and tell no one would be when a murderer, who wanted nothing more than to see Potter Jr dead, was on the loose. And Severus nearly had a heart attack as he searched desperately for the boy, not stopping until a knock on the door and a mud covered Malfoy told him exactly where the brat was. Severus could have killed the boy. Probably would have, if Lupin hadn't interrupted when he did. Lupin, the werewolf who'd almost killed him all those years ago. Teaching alongside Severus, taking the job that Severus had always wanted. Helping Black into the castle (there was no way Black could have gotten in without outside help and it couldn't be coincidental that Lupin applied for the job mere days before Black escaped) and putting everyone at risk. And Black had somehow managed to lure the students away from the school, telling them nonsensical stories of innocence and rats. And Snape had tried to save the children but they'd stunned him (he fracture his skull when he flew into the wall, that was the second time he'd almost died in the Shrieking Shack) and he came round with the headache of a lifetime to face a snarling, ravenous werewolf and he'd thrown himself in front the Potter brat and his sidekicks (he'd rather die than fail Lily again) and they still had the nerve to hate him and suspect him of actively trying to harm them. And Black had escaped again, all because Lupin had forgotten his potion. The man couldn't stay at the school any longer, what would happen next time he forgot his potion and Snape wasn't there to protect the students? So Severus wrote home to several of the parents and Lupin was gone within a couple of days (Severus cared more than he would admit about the safety of his students) And Severus treated himself to a large glass of firewhiskey when the term ended, he'd kept Potter alive and that was worthy of celebration (how the dolt had managed to survive another year was anyones guess)

James Potter had always been an attention seeking brat and it seemed his son was set to follow in his footsteps, entering his name to a competition that was life threatening to fully grown wizards. Imbecile. And Dumbledore was worried and Dumbledore was like a father to him and Severus hated Potter for constantly throwing away his mother's sacrifice and for constantly worrying Dumbledore and McGonagall and for being dense and naive and not Lily. And Severus couldn't watch as Potter performed death defying stunts (trying to outfly a dragon, the fool) so he stayed in the dungeon and brewed potion after potion in case Potter managed to cause himself grievous harm. And Moody was following Severus around the castle, day and night, trying to learn his secrets. Accusing him of being a death eater, accusing him of trying to kill the boy. And Moody was cruel and taunted him and helped Potter sneak around the castle at night (always looking for trouble, Potter was) and Severus was beyond relieved to learn that Moody wasn't Moody (Moody was a dangerous man to have as your enemy) _And the Dark Lord had returned_ , and Potter was no longer save and Severus was no longer safe and Hogwarts wouldn't be safe forever and Severus agreed to spy again for Dumbledore to repay past debts and to repent for his sins. And the Dark Lord tortured him for hours when he returned and Snape had almost forgotten how much the Cruciatus curse actually hurt. And Severus joined the Order of the Phoenix (Dumbledore once Snape was a phoenix, reborn into something greater, more beautiful after he burnt) and no one trusted him and Black was there taunting him and teasing him and bringing back all sorts of memories of Hogwarts and bullying and Lily.

 _Tom Marvolo Riddle (Lord Voldemort) was reborn on the 24_ _th_ _June 1995_

The ministry sent Umbridge to Hogwarts and for once he was united with all other teachers and students in his hatred for Umbridge, finally they had a common enemy to unite them all (the Dark Lord didn't count, not yet) And Snape got a reprieve from his master's torture sessions while term was in session (his Lord made up for it during the holidays) and Potter started an illegal defense group and got Dumbledore chased out of the school (Snape missed his mentor more than he would ever be willing to admit) And he was forced to teach occlumency to the brat and if Potter's face was thinner and his eyes onyx rather than emerald, Severus would have sworn he was seeing scenes from his own childhood (Potter could so easily have turned into another bitter, twisted Snape, if he hadn't been a Gryffindor) And Snape cringed as he watched the boy hurt (his stoic mask in place by the time the boy was focused) and he wondered by Potter was so much kinder, so much less damaged than he had been (it was because Potter had learnt to forgive and Snape still carried old grudges) and he wondered how Dumbledore could possibly allow such a thing to happen to his golden boy (to Lily's son) And he'd visited Lily's grave (a bouquet of Jasmine and Marigold in hand) and begged her for answers, pleaded with her to help him save her son. And perhaps something would have changed, if only Potter wasn't notoriously curious.

'Potter has seen it all. Potter has seen the torment Snape had suffered. Potter had seen Severus lose Lily forever. Potter had seen everything. It'd be all around the school by the next day, how Snape couldn't defend himself, how Snape and verbally abused the girl he loved. And Potter had seen his worst memory. And Potter hadn't cared. Potter hadn't even cared, probably found it funny' Severus was too blinded by rage to think straight, too angry to remember that the boy knew all too well wha it felt like to be victimised. And maybe, just maybe, if Severus had remembered the boy would have apologised and Severus would have forgiven him and maybe mentioned something about the boy's mother which would have lead to greater things and changed the war. But Severus forgot and only thought of the humiliation Potter had watched him endure. And he never quite forgave Potter for invading his privacy and he never quite trusted Potter again. He still tried to save him, though.

He had been mentored by Lucius Malfoy since he first stepped foot in Hogwarts, he had tutored the Malfoy heir in potions for a couple of years (the boy was awful at potions, unsubtle and incapable of following instructions) he dined with Malfoy's several times a year. He knew them well. Yet it still surprised him when Narcissa picked him to beg for help (she knew of his devotion to Lily and his care for her son, although Severus never knew that) it must be because he had year long access to Draco. And he swore to Narcissa that he was save her son and he swore to Dumbledore that he would end his mentor's life and he swore to Lily he would save her son and he couldn't fail and he wanted to give up so badly. Wanted to run and hide rather than face the constant threat of failure and torture sessions from his Lord and hopeless meetings with the Order of the Inept (Dumbledore still refused to change the name) and detentions with wayward students and classes with obtuse pupils and a war had begun in ernest and people were dying and he had another name added to his list of kills and another voice in his head. (He hadn't meant to kill Emmaline Vance, it was supposed to be an ambush, the Order would wait at her house and fight the Death Eaters. Only the Death Eaters had arrived a day early and slaughtered her and her two daughters and her husband and her 6 nieces and nephews and her sisters and brothers and parents and in-laws) And the year progressed and Potter had somehow managed to get hold of his old potions book and managed to almost kill Draco (Severus didn't know if it was intentional or not) and almost managed to kill Severus by turning an unbreakable vow against him (how could he protect Draco if Draco was dead). And Snape stood on top of the astronomy tower (for the first time since Lily had left his life) and killed his mentor. And a part of Severus died.

 _Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore died on the 30_ _th_ _June 1997_

And the Dark Lord made Severus the new headmaster of Hogwarts and Snape had to sit where Dumbledore should have sat and say what Dumbledore should have said and watch the whole school (including the colleagues he once called friends) turn against him. And he couldn't blame them. He was a death eater, he wore the mark of the Dark Lord, he killed Albus Dumbledore, he was a murderer. And he had to sit and watch as students were tortured and whipped and beaten and cursed and hung from the ceiling just as Filch had always threatened and he had to pretend to approve and pretend not to see and pretend he enjoy it (Snape always had been a good liar) And Snape wasn't sure he could survive another year and he desperately wanted to end it all but he couldn't. He had a job to do, a message to deliver and children to protect and Snape kept going, because he had inherited the same sense of duty and honor that had cause his father to spend a lifetime with a woman he didn't love, and Severus hid evidence of Dumbledore's Army and lied to the Dark Lord's face without flinching and saved the first years from the worst forms of torture and prevented the death eaters from killing Filch and tried to ensure the students learnt something and managed to convince everyone he was proud to follow the Dark Lord (he did it all for Lily) and he checked in on Potter (without him knowing of course) and thanked Merlin, Morgana and every deity out there that the boy who lived had yet to die. And students started going missing and people were dying in their hundreds, family after family, child after child. And Severus Snape waited for Potter to return and Severus Snape waited for the Dark Lord to lose and Severus Snape waited until he could see Lily again (only a few more months)

And Potter returned and a battle was wages and Severus watched as the Dark Lord's army, almost triple the size of Hogwarts' Army, couldn't defeat passion and love and a believe in fighting for what was right. The Dark Lord couldn't kill their hope or their spirit or their faith in Harry Potter. And the Dark Lord called Severus to him and Snape knew the end was approaching and begged Merlin for a chance to give Potter his memories, so that his death would not be in vain and all those fighting would have a chance at survival. And Snape wondered how he'd survived so long in a world that had always hated him and Severus thought he knew the answer (Severus had known love and Severus had understood love, and so his heart would stutter and stop but it would never give up until the end) And Severus walked before his master (no, not his master, Lord Voldemort) and engaged in a futile attempt to placate him (he needed to give Lily's boy his memories) and then Voldemort hissed and Severus knew the end was minutes away.

Severus remembered a simpler time, a lazy summers day spent lying in the playground with had asked her how she wished to die and she had answered, without so much as blinking, that she wanted to die surrounded by her family and knowing she wouldn't have changed a thing. And Severus had smiled at her and then frowned when she had asked him the same question. He didn't answer, not until late in his fifth year, when he and Lily were sitting in the astronomy tower, staring at the nights sky. "I want to die for someone I love and for something I believe in. I want to die knowing I helped someone, knowing I loved someone and knowing I was a better man than my father."

The serpent lunged for him, it's deadly poison spilling into his blood, freezing his shattered heart. A sadistic laugh echoed around the room and Voldemort's footsteps died as they moved further and further away. The poison burnt his blood, boiling his organs and melting his bones and destroying him inside out. And he heard a shout and a yell and footsteps running towards him (even after all he'd done, the Potter boy still cared, the boy had inherited Lily's heart after all) And Severus lay bleeding in the corner and thought of the girl who he had always love and the freedom he'd always longed for and the peace he'd never dared hope for. And Lily stood before him, holding out her hand and offering him forgiveness. And Snape opened his eyes for one last time, and he stared into emerald eyes which belonged to Lily and to Lily's son Harry.

"Take them" Snape whispered hoarsely and with his final ounce of strength he offered Harry his memories.

And in the darkness of the night and the silence of the room, he closed his eyes for the final time as he drifted off, ready to start the next great adventure, and a small smile (the first one since Lily stopped loving him) formed on his face. He was tired, had been tired for so long, and he was ready to fall into a deep sleep and spend the next eternity beside Lily, watching as her son lived the life neither of them had ever gotten the changed to live. He was ready to go. And his final thought was, 'Good luck Harry'

 _Severus Tobias Snape died on the 2_ _nd_ _of May 1998_


End file.
